May 25th, 2017.
Former Akron, Ohio native, high-school phenom at St. Vincent-St. Mary’s and current NBA superstar LeBron James passed his childhood icon Michael Jordan to claim sole possession over number one in all-time playoff scoring while leading his team to a convincing 135-102 victory over the 1st seeded (and eventual 2018 NBA champs, you heard it here first, folks!) Boston Celtics en route to his seventh (!!!) consecutive finals appearance.
Now, if literally any other player ever had done that, you’d all be shitting your pants. ESPN would erect a 400-foot tall monument, and Skip Bayless would be saying some dumb shit about much of a “gamer” this guy is (yeah, he actually said that about someone. Tim fucking Tebow, no less). This NBA god would be given unlimited blowjobs from everyone working at Fox Sports to ESPN, and revered by everyone among the basketball community. After all, that’s the way it should be. A monumental achievement like this one definitely deserves credit with a side of under-the-desk hand stuff from the sports media. Greatness, in any part of life, deserves to be celebrated.
But nobody celebrated. Because you’re all pussies.
So many times King James has been shafted by the collective media and fans. Too many times. An uncountable number of times. First MVP all the way back in 2008-2009 averaging 28/8/7? Eh. The next year when he put up 30 ppg on 50% shooting (something no one else in the league can lay claim to, by the way) to win back to back MVP’s? Big whoop. First title? Couldn’t have won it without his “superteam”. Second? Chalk that one up to Ray Allen (love the guy, love the shot, but come on, guys). And then he wins his third, and all of a sudden he’s fucking legit. That’s bullshit.
I get the whole feel-good Cinderella team story, but you’ve gotta be jerking my dick off if you think that’s what made him legit. He was legit the moment he stepped on the NBA hardwood for the first time at 18 years old and scored 25 points, 9 assists and 6 boards. He was legit when he scored 48 points, including Cleveland’s last 25 points of the game, in a double-overtime playoff victory against Detroit. He was legit during all of those memorable playoff performances everyone loves to forget; Boston, Chicago, Indiana, San Antonio, OKC. He was legit in his finals wins, as well as his losses. How many players in this day and age can average a triple double in the finals against the best team the league has ever seen? Hint: fucking one, idiot. He’s been to seven straight finals (for all the illiterate 8th graders about to flame the ever living fuck out of this piece, seven is a lot) and all anyone wants to talk about is how he’s 3-5. If I was 3-5 in the finals, I’d be happy as shit. Know why? Because I’d have three more rings than anyone reading this fucking blog. And that’s exactly what LeBron thinks, too.
To sum it up, there is no such thing as a perfect ball player. Jordan was swept twice in the first round (not to mention his massive, almost career-ending gambling addiction; What a stand up guy!) Brady lost two to the Giants and Eli Manning, aka god’s gift from heaven. Jeter, Bird, Magic, Owens, Kobe, and that lovable big-headed hick Peyton all lost at one point in their careers, but still receive their well-earned handjibbers from the lovely folks at SportsCenter.
No, there is no such thing as a basketball god. But there damn sure is a basketball king. And y’all better respect.